Repair after Rupture
HOW WE RECONNECT AFTER CONFLICT, RUPTURE, OR MISUNDERSTANDING
Most Upset Goes First
In repair conversations, we begin with the person who feels most emotionally activated. That person speaks first The other person listens without interrupting No defending, correcting, or problem-solving yet
Why this matters:
Strong emotions make listening harder
Being heard first helps the nervous system settle
Safety increases → understanding becomes possible
“I Statements”
Using “I Statements” Structure: I feel… When… Because… I need / I would like…
Example: “I feel hurt when plans change last minute because I experience it as not being considered. I need more communication ahead of time.” Instead of: “You don’t care about me.”
SECTION 1: TODAY’S SITUATION
Briefly describe what happened (just facts, no interpretations): __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 2: CHECK-IN
Who feels MOST emotionally activated right now?
☐ Partner A ☐ Partner B ☐ Both equally ☐ Unsure / shifting
What are you noticing in your body right now? (Examples: tight chest, racing thoughts, shutdown, tears, numbness) __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
I Statement Reflection
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 3: PERSON MOST UPSET (SPEAKING SPACE FIRST)
I feel…
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
When… (specific behavior/event, not character judgments) __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
Because… (what it meant or impacted for you) __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What I need / would like is…
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What I want my partner to understand about my experience is: __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 4: LISTENER REFLECTION (VALIDATION SPACE)
What I heard you say is…
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
I can understand how that would feel like… __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What I want you to know I hear and respect is… __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 5: SWITCH ROLES
Now the other person shares their experience I feel… __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
When… (specific behavior/event, not character judgments) __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
Because… (what it meant or impacted for you) __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What I need / would like is…
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What I want my partner to understand about my experience is: __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
Listener reflection: What I heard you say is… __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
I can understand how that would feel like… __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What I want you to know I hear and respect is… __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 6: MUTUAL VALIDATION
Each person completes: Something I understand about my partner’s experience is:
Partner A:
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
Partner B:
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 7: REPAIR & NEXT STEPS
What do we both need to feel more connected/safe right now? __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
One small, doable next step we agree to: __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
SECTION 8: CLOSING REFLECTION
What did we do we l in this repair attempt? __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What was hard to stay with?
__________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
What might we need next time to make repair easier? __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________
Repair is not about perfection. It is about slowing down enough to stay connected while being honest.
